You know what sucks the most this quarter in school .............. I have let myself slipped away. For the first time I do not feel motivated to do any of my school work. I have skipped school to the point that I lost count, haven't done my readings like I use to, and worse yet I have been careless and have taken my exams like if they didn't matter. It's not that I want to fail in school its just that I feel like there is more to life. I feel like being in school is holding me back from discovering so many great things out there. And worse yet I feel like school has taken away the chance to be with the person I love because of it I lost him. And its not so much him anymore, its the feeling of wanting more out of life and not being able to have it because instead I sit here trying to write my paper or study for math. I feel like life is slipping away while I just read, go to lectures, and take exams. Am not saying school is bad because I have learned so much and it has open my eyes to things I never knew existed but yet this feeling these emotions am going through now augh! i feel like am in a cage that I want to break out of! I know am still young and I have my whole life to look forward to but what if I want to live now! not later. what if I want to do the unexpected. what if I just want to do what my heart tells me and not what am expected to do.
yes maybe that's it. maybe I wasn't meant for school. maybe I was meant to be those people who just settle down at a young age and have an alright job. maybe I just don't know what I want anymore because am so lost in the pressure of succeeding and avoiding failure. If I don't finish college I personally wouldn't consider myself a failure because I gained so many good experiences from here, but yet the majority of the people will see me as a failure and that will get to me because as much as I want to ignore what people think of me, I just cant! I just cant.... and that is my greatest defect.
am tired of trying to please everyone and not pleasing myself. you ask "why don't you please yourself?" and i simple answer .. "because I just can't, at least not know, but hopefully one day........ "
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just happened across your entry.. you know it's not a bad thing to be worried what others think... it just means you have self- respect.. just as long as you don't let them defeat you is what is important.. follow your heart.. be true to yourself.. things do have a way of working out.. you sound like a very intelligent person. I do hope you find what you're searching for..
ReplyDeleteKelly~