letting go...finally at peace?

i would write this blog in spanish if i could, but i have gotten so bad at it that i am force to write it in english. what can i say that i haven't told you before. that i love you and still care about you. no i dont think i am obsessed with you i just genuinely still care about you. i guess the times you said i wasnt there for you i am now trying to be there for you but i can't due to the fact you don't want me there anymore.

i get it, life took us in different paths. in each others eyes it might seem we havent changed, that we are still the same. but within our selves we know we have changed and that we are still changing and learning lessons.

its just that it is soo hard to have you so close and yet so far away. before all we wanted was to be close to one another, and now that we have felt apart and are close in distance we try to avoid one another. and me stupidly still trying to make you see otherwise when in reality you have left the past in the past.

today i found that birthday gift you made. it made me smile, laugh, and sad but most of all remember. remember the good times and all the promises we made to each other which are now in the past.

you said that you were always trying to think of new things to make our love grow more so it wouldnt end in routine, because that is what killed a relationship. and you were right. sadly you didnt see how we did have a routine already and in some way that made me react the way i did. plus my whole school situation was not helping either.

anyways, i guess i am tired of all this confussion i made out of our break up. i had mix feelings. i was angry, jelouse, sad, and disppointed everything the opposite of what love is. i was angry that you didnt tell me about certain things. like the whole fake marriage thing. wtf that made me feel like shit because here i was planning this whole day with my babe the person i love and here he shows up with a ring on his finger. even though it was fake it made me feel like i was unimportant to you, like i didnt matter. i was jelouse because i saw girls leaving you to much of a friendly message and all you can say was like oh she was a friend, but before you would be more open and stuff thats why i trusted you. but with ur distance answers and the marriage thing i guess it made me snap.........

what ever i guess i am finally letting go of all this, even though it has taken me over a year. i guess you meant too much to me that i didnt know what to do when i lost you.

i dont want to be weird around you anymore, i just want to let go of all of this. even though i still care for you and trying to keep an eye on you that you are doing fine. i guess its time for me to let go. because this once love hows now turned to pain and i just cant carry it around with me any more. i deserve to be happy. to find a special someone. to be loved again and experience all those great moments i once experienced with you. and of course you deserve the same. adios.. y le pido a dios que me de fuerzas para dejarte en paz y no molestarte mas. quidate y como tu dices "te banas" =]

tired from running

i dont know where to run to anymore.
i feel lost and lonely more then ever.
every time i get up i am in such a bad mood,
its not even funny no more.

I am not really like this.
i am a happy person. i know i am.
even if the majority of the time i seem so negative.

its the constant screaming and fighting.
the arguing and the nonsense that makes me like this.
i am tired of it all that i just want to escape.

i feel trap just listening and staying quite.
if i could i wouldn't be here, i would be somewhere else.
that is why i am moody.
that is why i yell back and have no patience.
that is why i go to my room and lock my door.
to run away! to run and cry from everything i do not want to be part of.
that's the reason i leave the house and go out with friends,
to avoid all the commotion i can not stand anymore.

i dont like being like this.
i hate feeling like this.
i love you guys...
but sometimes i wish you would stop.
stop with all the screaming
stop with all the nonsense
and just deal with situation.

i am tired of running, running away from everyone.
i am so so so tired.....................