letting go...finally at peace?

i would write this blog in spanish if i could, but i have gotten so bad at it that i am force to write it in english. what can i say that i haven't told you before. that i love you and still care about you. no i dont think i am obsessed with you i just genuinely still care about you. i guess the times you said i wasnt there for you i am now trying to be there for you but i can't due to the fact you don't want me there anymore.

i get it, life took us in different paths. in each others eyes it might seem we havent changed, that we are still the same. but within our selves we know we have changed and that we are still changing and learning lessons.

its just that it is soo hard to have you so close and yet so far away. before all we wanted was to be close to one another, and now that we have felt apart and are close in distance we try to avoid one another. and me stupidly still trying to make you see otherwise when in reality you have left the past in the past.

today i found that birthday gift you made. it made me smile, laugh, and sad but most of all remember. remember the good times and all the promises we made to each other which are now in the past.

you said that you were always trying to think of new things to make our love grow more so it wouldnt end in routine, because that is what killed a relationship. and you were right. sadly you didnt see how we did have a routine already and in some way that made me react the way i did. plus my whole school situation was not helping either.

anyways, i guess i am tired of all this confussion i made out of our break up. i had mix feelings. i was angry, jelouse, sad, and disppointed everything the opposite of what love is. i was angry that you didnt tell me about certain things. like the whole fake marriage thing. wtf that made me feel like shit because here i was planning this whole day with my babe the person i love and here he shows up with a ring on his finger. even though it was fake it made me feel like i was unimportant to you, like i didnt matter. i was jelouse because i saw girls leaving you to much of a friendly message and all you can say was like oh she was a friend, but before you would be more open and stuff thats why i trusted you. but with ur distance answers and the marriage thing i guess it made me snap.........

what ever i guess i am finally letting go of all this, even though it has taken me over a year. i guess you meant too much to me that i didnt know what to do when i lost you.

i dont want to be weird around you anymore, i just want to let go of all of this. even though i still care for you and trying to keep an eye on you that you are doing fine. i guess its time for me to let go. because this once love hows now turned to pain and i just cant carry it around with me any more. i deserve to be happy. to find a special someone. to be loved again and experience all those great moments i once experienced with you. and of course you deserve the same. adios.. y le pido a dios que me de fuerzas para dejarte en paz y no molestarte mas. quidate y como tu dices "te banas" =]

tired from running

i dont know where to run to anymore.
i feel lost and lonely more then ever.
every time i get up i am in such a bad mood,
its not even funny no more.

I am not really like this.
i am a happy person. i know i am.
even if the majority of the time i seem so negative.

its the constant screaming and fighting.
the arguing and the nonsense that makes me like this.
i am tired of it all that i just want to escape.

i feel trap just listening and staying quite.
if i could i wouldn't be here, i would be somewhere else.
that is why i am moody.
that is why i yell back and have no patience.
that is why i go to my room and lock my door.
to run away! to run and cry from everything i do not want to be part of.
that's the reason i leave the house and go out with friends,
to avoid all the commotion i can not stand anymore.

i dont like being like this.
i hate feeling like this.
i love you guys...
but sometimes i wish you would stop.
stop with all the screaming
stop with all the nonsense
and just deal with situation.

i am tired of running, running away from everyone.
i am so so so tired.....................

Don't know What To Do ...

You know what sucks the most this quarter in school .............. I have let myself slipped away. For the first time I do not feel motivated to do any of my school work. I have skipped school to the point that I lost count, haven't done my readings like I use to, and worse yet I have been careless and have taken my exams like if they didn't matter. It's not that I want to fail in school its just that I feel like there is more to life. I feel like being in school is holding me back from discovering so many great things out there. And worse yet I feel like school has taken away the chance to be with the person I love because of it I lost him. And its not so much him anymore, its the feeling of wanting more out of life and not being able to have it because instead I sit here trying to write my paper or study for math. I feel like life is slipping away while I just read, go to lectures, and take exams. Am not saying school is bad because I have learned so much and it has open my eyes to things I never knew existed but yet this feeling these emotions am going through now augh! i feel like am in a cage that I want to break out of! I know am still young and I have my whole life to look forward to but what if I want to live now! not later. what if I want to do the unexpected. what if I just want to do what my heart tells me and not what am expected to do.

yes maybe that's it. maybe I wasn't meant for school. maybe I was meant to be those people who just settle down at a young age and have an alright job. maybe I just don't know what I want anymore because am so lost in the pressure of succeeding and avoiding failure. If I don't finish college I personally wouldn't consider myself a failure because I gained so many good experiences from here, but yet the majority of the people will see me as a failure and that will get to me because as much as I want to ignore what people think of me, I just cant! I just cant.... and that is my greatest defect.

am tired of trying to please everyone and not pleasing myself. you ask "why don't you please yourself?" and i simple answer .. "because I just can't, at least not know, but hopefully one day........ "

Mix Thoughts: Loving Someone & Letting Go of Them

Our thoughts are like the ocean ..... endless;
they can keep on going for ever and ever until they meet up with another body of ocean.
At that point they intertwine and mix fluids.
Just like our body's and soul's intertwine and mix when we make passionate love.

As we enjoy the warmth of one another, I hear you whisper in my ear
"I Love You" A great big smile appears in my face and I am glad to be in your arms. But as much as this brings joy to me, I should let you know that saying those three meaningful words should only be spoken when necessary. because I fear that if you tell me those three meaningful words more often they will lose its meaning through out time and then I might not believe you anymore or worse yet, they will not put that same smile on my face as they do now.

As we continue to make love not only once, twice, nor three times but numerous times I just want you to remember, that I give to you all my heart and soul and I ask the same back from you. And I promise that I will make your time with me worth while as long as you take care of me and
cherish me, because trust me babe no one else can make you happy as I can and no one else will know you like I know you.

Let our thoughts intertwine and don not be afraid to love, because fear will only hold you back from getting to your true happiness. I know am not perfect but I learn from my mistakes, all I ask is for your patience and to not give up on me to easily. If at the end you decide to let me go, I ask that you treasure all the good moments in life we had. Am not gonna lie how much its gonna hurt me but I will eventually survive this great pain. As long as your happy that's all that matters right?

Do know that you will always be my first and that you will always have my complete heart. And as the saying goes... "Things happen for A Reason" & "What ever was meant to be yours will find it's way back" .... I hope you find your way back and if not I hope somebody finds me ....

Once Again

School is something that has always been imposed on me. I was always a good student, never got in trouble, and stressed out very easily when it came to projects. When I got to high school it was a bit more easier then my private middle school. So i got straight A's except for those occasional courses that actually challenged me. Anyways the point is that now am so tired of it. For example am suppose to be studying right now but i cant i just dont feel like it, and its bad because i really need to pass my classes this quarter =/ i sometimes wish i was just married and had a stable job. dont get me wrong i love school. learning new things and being exposed to reality and what is going on out there in the world is so fascinating but i just dont want to study and take exams! they drain me out! augh and what i hate most is that when i graduate i still need to continue school to get my masters because that is what really counts you know. i just wish this was over with already! i feel like am losing most of my life that i should be enjoing. once again i feel like i will be a failure in school maybe thats why i give up easily. i see how other classmates and friends study and stay up late at night and what not, but i cant! i wish i could i really do but i just cant. idk am just tired of this i wish i was a different person. a stronger person, a smarter person, a person who carried herself confidently and doesnt shy away from others. AUGH! i just dont know anymore.................. ( This leads into another blog which i will write another day beacuse i need to go back to studying now)